MATCH REVIEW 14TH MARCH!!
MATCH REVIEW 14TH MARCH!!
You know what the fucking problem with VPW is? For all of the shitty swerves that they like to incorporate in their stupid little storylines, the one thing that they run by the fucking numbers is match results. This was supposed to be an episode where they resolve two major belts (and this isn't even the fucking FINALE!!! of the season), but it was so fucking by the numbers that there were literally no surprises to be had, I called every single finish it was that fucking easy. Just no balls. If you were surprised by any of the outcomes I only have one thing for you: you are a fucking DUMBASS! Seriously, stop reading this blog. What a fucking shitshow.
1st Match: ENOUGH OF THE PUNS: Vampire vs Vega$
My dumbass room-mate was laughing his head off at the shitty puns that Vega$ did, but the guy corpsed so badly, it was so fucking obvious that he was on the brink, that shit is def gonna appear on botchamania cause fucking hell. Call the man! Anyway, the start of the match was shitty, with a DDT on a chair by Nosferatu that didn't look like it hit fully, and Vega$ doing the weakest lariat known to man. There was something about a key that got thrown into the crowd that Nosferatu wanted because of course VPW needs another shitty gimmick like the mask to milk, I just don't get it. Nosferatu then started biting the neck of one of Vega$'s goons and honestly, it looked pretty good: probably some blood packet but damn if it didn't look good. Nosferatu got back into the ring, key in hand, and then delivered a sick spear: honestly I'm not huge on spears as finishers but as standard moves, and performed well? Hell fucking yeah, and Nosferatu really delivered on that. Vega$ was laid out but managed to dodge out of the way of another charge from the vampire, making him crash into a chair, which looked proper sick, let me tell you. This was followed by a pretty weak chair shot, which of course Nosferatu no sells, who then choke-slams Vega$ and hits his Rondo of Blood for the finish. It was an alright match with some good spots spoiled by (AGAIN!!) weak storylines. 3 out of 5.
2nd Match: Jobbay 2k: Some Jobber vs The Unmentionable
Okay, okay, for all the bad things that VPW has done, making Shay into a jobber is probably the best decision they have done yet. With all that shit and the push that they got him last season, seeing him job over and over again has been a fucking delight, let me tell you. Anyway, in this match we had the jobber versus the squasher, so no prizes for guessing who wins this particular bout (hint: it's not Shay). Anyway, the start of it was actually alright, with a bomb from Unspeakable followed by a counter from Shay where he kicked her really square, surprisingly good stuff from a jobber, really. He goes for the pin which is easily kicked out, and then does a senton to follow up, which Unspeakable dodges, making Shay fall to the mat instead, although he no sells the result. We have a silly sequence where he keeps getting kicked and stands back up, my roommate told me he was noselling due to some new cyborg enhancements but honestly I didn't really pay attention. The no-sell is followed by a couple of strikes, only to attempt a chokehold? I guess, but it doesn't connect, of course, and they are both sent to the turnbuckle. What follows kind of beggars belief: he slides out of the ring, making her crash out, then he slaps her a few, they get back into the ring and he tries to toss her outside, but it looked almost like a botch: really not sure what they were doing at this point. Anyway, he goes back outside, gets her in, tries the pin, fails yet again. He then does his signature meteora, which just goes to show to all the Johnnies out there that if you practice one thing REALLY HARD, you can become good at it. I mean, it hits nicely and all, though. Anyway, Shay keeps holding on, doing a variety of moves, including a nice bulldog and a monkey flip. But all this is for nothing: after some argument with his doctor, Unspeakable grabs Shay, does a sick backbreaker and it's alllll over gentlemen. I can't say that I didn't dislike this, it had Shay but it wasn't that bad and also he lost. 3 out of 5.
3rd Match: Fucking called it: IHOP vs Birds vs Cops
What happens when you have two actually good teams and one team with a complete has-been that probably pouted her way to a belt? Well, you'd think the good teams would win, but fuck no, here we go, fucking VPW giving the belt to a washed up nobody just to keep her and her pitiful fans happy. Just desperate to keep getting that mouron merch cash inflow going. If they had some balls they would have given Fragata two belts or even given it to Schemestress, but fuck no, and here's where we are. Anyway, the match itself: started off strong with Fragata and cop lady as the spotlight, with a wicked looking kick from Fragata because he knows how to perform. He tries for a lariat against Mourn but she ducks and starts working on Casuario, finally managing an average-looking bulldog on him, after which they get clotheslined by man cop for their trouble. Man Cop is grabbed by Big Bird and almost gets powerbombed, but Cop Lady kicks at the big man and makes him collapse, after which she tries her regular good old locks, although they are quickly broken up by Yukako. Mourn, scrambling on top of Cop Lady, starts to get some strikes in, but Man Cop comes in and tries to break it up, before Yukako joins the fun again and throws both of them out of the ring. Bird Team is now in the ring, and a strike exchange leads to a decent double high knee from IHOP. This sets up the big spot for IHOP: a combination hurricanrana and frog splash that sends the Big Bird to the mat: it hits perfectly. Honestly this is the kind of shit that I know Mourn can do but she doesn't fucking ever try! What follows is a group moonsault by Fragata: it hits okay, but obviously some of the people fell down due to theatrics more than anything. Cop Lady takes her chance in the scramble, and drags Mourn to the ring and applies an incredible lock. What happens next is yet another showcase of the shitty swerves that every Mourn match must have, by law. Man Cop drags the referee outside of the ring in order to deny the rope break, Yukako takes a chair into the ring and smashes the lock apart, and IHOP hits the finisher for the win. Honestly what a shitshow. And then at the end they even get Mourn back into her mask, which is another fucking farce. What a waste of a final. Can't even do an ending properly. 2 out of 5.
4th Match: Feuerstarter: Amadeus vs Prodigy
Alright so I was kind of excited for this match since I think both Amadeus and Progedy are pretty good technical wrestlers, but the start of the match was just a shitshow of boring cheating and attempts to get the upper hand, with chokes up the wazoo and both Newke and Aztec taking part in the action, with the referee not doing fucking anything. No one really knew who to cheer for since both sides are heels and while Amadeus went for the cheap heat, Prodigy and gang are ganging up on him. Just really unclear cheer lines for this match.
Anyway, it gets better since they actually get down to the fighting and striking, and it was a joy to behold finally Prodigy showing off his striking potential, while Amadeus showing his trickery by pretending to be down only to go for a figure four lock. Prodigy slips out, tries to strike again, but a headbutt and Bite My Wrist sends him reeling backward and Amadeus pounds him into the ground. Honestly apart from the start, the match was really good, probably the best of the evening. 4 out of 5.
5th Match: The inevitable title change: Cortez vs Fragata
Even though the end was called for, they weren't gonna let Cortez keep the belt, at least the two know how to wrestle and just do entertaining shows instead of just boring cheating and shit like that, so I was hype for the last match of the evening. The match starts explosively, with Cortez going for an immediate offensive instead of his usual calculating self, but Fragata tries to fight back by going for rollups and other pins in an attempt to wear down the old man. Eventually the old man fires back, dragging Fragata across the ring before sending him to the mat with a superkick, although Cortez doesn't follow up, showing confidence in his abilities. Fragata is not one to be intimidated, however, taking down the older man with a leg-scissor takedown, then sprinting for a standing crossbody which hits perfectly: honestly Fragata is just a master at that flippy shit. Cortez manages to kick out, however, and gets Fragata in a chinlock and goes for his mask. The mask is damaged, but Fragata doesn't relent and goes for a facebuster, which hits alright, after which Fragata does a springboard monsault, although Cortez rolls out before it hits, and Fragata hits the mat hard, which Cortez capitalising with a nice crossbody. What follows is a kinda-weak combination from Fragata, which ends with Fragata bringing down Cortez's neck on his knee, After another pin attempt, the two end up at opposite corners, and Fragata goes in for another attack, only to get countered and for Cortez to go for his mask again, which draws blood (looked fucking impressive during the night as well)! Cortez finally goes for the pin, but there's an unexpected kick out at one, Fragata no-selling as he strikes back at Cortez with a furious number of chops and blows, after which he manages to hit a poison rana. A pin follows, but another kick out, and Cortez is back on the offensive, doing a series of german suplexes on the lighter opponent. Fragata doesn't give up, however, and manages to rise up again, which surprises Cortez, and the old man goes for a lock on him that seems to be close out the match. A rope break occurs, which makes the crowd cheer, and Cortez goes for his spear, only instead of hitting his opponents, he gets hit with the Ola de Tinta from Fragata instead, and it fucking hits beautifully. Honestly even though the ending was certain, there was still a lot of unexpected stuff during the actual match, and I'm glad I got to watch it. Honestly a nice title bout and a 5 out of 5. Just wish this was the quality of matches every time, although they gotta make the endings less obvious!!
3rd Match: Fucking called it: IHOP vs Birds vs Cops
What happens when you have two actually good teams and one team with a complete has-been that probably pouted her way to a belt? Well, you'd think the good teams would win, but fuck no, here we go, fucking VPW giving the belt to a washed up nobody just to keep her and her pitiful fans happy. Just desperate to keep getting that mouron merch cash inflow going. If they had some balls they would have given Fragata two belts or even given it to Schemestress, but fuck no, and here's where we are. Anyway, the match itself: started off strong with Fragata and cop lady as the spotlight, with a wicked looking kick from Fragata because he knows how to perform. He tries for a lariat against Mourn but she ducks and starts working on Casuario, finally managing an average-looking bulldog on him, after which they get clotheslined by man cop for their trouble. Man Cop is grabbed by Big Bird and almost gets powerbombed, but Cop Lady kicks at the big man and makes him collapse, after which she tries her regular good old locks, although they are quickly broken up by Yukako. Mourn, scrambling on top of Cop Lady, starts to get some strikes in, but Man Cop comes in and tries to break it up, before Yukako joins the fun again and throws both of them out of the ring. Bird Team is now in the ring, and a strike exchange leads to a decent double high knee from IHOP. This sets up the big spot for IHOP: a combination hurricanrana and frog splash that sends the Big Bird to the mat: it hits perfectly. Honestly this is the kind of shit that I know Mourn can do but she doesn't fucking ever try! What follows is a group moonsault by Fragata: it hits okay, but obviously some of the people fell down due to theatrics more than anything. Cop Lady takes her chance in the scramble, and drags Mourn to the ring and applies an incredible lock. What happens next is yet another showcase of the shitty swerves that every Mourn match must have, by law. Man Cop drags the referee outside of the ring in order to deny the rope break, Yukako takes a chair into the ring and smashes the lock apart, and IHOP hits the finisher for the win. Honestly what a shitshow. And then at the end they even get Mourn back into her mask, which is another fucking farce. What a waste of a final. Can't even do an ending properly. 2 out of 5.
4th Match: Feuerstarter: Amadeus vs Prodigy
Alright so I was kind of excited for this match since I think both Amadeus and Progedy are pretty good technical wrestlers, but the start of the match was just a shitshow of boring cheating and attempts to get the upper hand, with chokes up the wazoo and both Newke and Aztec taking part in the action, with the referee not doing fucking anything. No one really knew who to cheer for since both sides are heels and while Amadeus went for the cheap heat, Prodigy and gang are ganging up on him. Just really unclear cheer lines for this match.
Anyway, it gets better since they actually get down to the fighting and striking, and it was a joy to behold finally Prodigy showing off his striking potential, while Amadeus showing his trickery by pretending to be down only to go for a figure four lock. Prodigy slips out, tries to strike again, but a headbutt and Bite My Wrist sends him reeling backward and Amadeus pounds him into the ground. Honestly apart from the start, the match was really good, probably the best of the evening. 4 out of 5.
5th Match: The inevitable title change: Cortez vs Fragata
Even though the end was called for, they weren't gonna let Cortez keep the belt, at least the two know how to wrestle and just do entertaining shows instead of just boring cheating and shit like that, so I was hype for the last match of the evening. The match starts explosively, with Cortez going for an immediate offensive instead of his usual calculating self, but Fragata tries to fight back by going for rollups and other pins in an attempt to wear down the old man. Eventually the old man fires back, dragging Fragata across the ring before sending him to the mat with a superkick, although Cortez doesn't follow up, showing confidence in his abilities. Fragata is not one to be intimidated, however, taking down the older man with a leg-scissor takedown, then sprinting for a standing crossbody which hits perfectly: honestly Fragata is just a master at that flippy shit. Cortez manages to kick out, however, and gets Fragata in a chinlock and goes for his mask. The mask is damaged, but Fragata doesn't relent and goes for a facebuster, which hits alright, after which Fragata does a springboard monsault, although Cortez rolls out before it hits, and Fragata hits the mat hard, which Cortez capitalising with a nice crossbody. What follows is a kinda-weak combination from Fragata, which ends with Fragata bringing down Cortez's neck on his knee, After another pin attempt, the two end up at opposite corners, and Fragata goes in for another attack, only to get countered and for Cortez to go for his mask again, which draws blood (looked fucking impressive during the night as well)! Cortez finally goes for the pin, but there's an unexpected kick out at one, Fragata no-selling as he strikes back at Cortez with a furious number of chops and blows, after which he manages to hit a poison rana. A pin follows, but another kick out, and Cortez is back on the offensive, doing a series of german suplexes on the lighter opponent. Fragata doesn't give up, however, and manages to rise up again, which surprises Cortez, and the old man goes for a lock on him that seems to be close out the match. A rope break occurs, which makes the crowd cheer, and Cortez goes for his spear, only instead of hitting his opponents, he gets hit with the Ola de Tinta from Fragata instead, and it fucking hits beautifully. Honestly even though the ending was certain, there was still a lot of unexpected stuff during the actual match, and I'm glad I got to watch it. Honestly a nice title bout and a 5 out of 5. Just wish this was the quality of matches every time, although they gotta make the endings less obvious!!
I swear if they don't put Nosferatu in a proper hardcore match, he's gonna be stuck as being an only slightly cooler Gangrel. If he comes out next week in a white puffy blouse I'm fucking done.
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